Rewind several hours to late afternoon, late January, at a Official Cat I Found This Humerus Shirt hoodie, sweater, the sky the color lead, wind kicking up with cold fingers that dug under your collar, blew your skirt into an angry tangle around your legs and spit angry flakes of snow that stuck to your windshield like lost moths before vanishing again in the next gust. I knew the storm was coming, everyone in the area knew, it was all over the radio and truckers would talk about, the coming north easter, and “to get somewhere safe and only drive if you have to.” Even the truck stop was talking about closing up until the storm passed, though by the time I pulled out they were still open for business. Why’d I leave? Well I’d been parking there for around two (three?) days at the time, and people were starting to take notice I was lingering, and when that happens it’s usually time to find somewhere else to park for a few days before they decide to notify the police, or the wrong sort of people decide you’re an easy target for carjacking, or worse. So I, after much deliberation, (given gasoline was in short supply at the time) decided to risk driving a few towns over and taking my chances riding out the storm at a park and ride. (a place where people park their vehicles when car pooling or catching the bus that stopped there twice a day). There was a few possible routes I could take that were on paved roads and heavily traveled highways, but no, being more concerned with fuel than safety I opted for a short cut which in this case amounted to a narrow stretch of dirt road running between two of the townships and would shave several miles off my travel distance and some precious gasoline.
In the truck later, I was thumbing through it. Lots of great art there. We stopped so the boss could go inside his house and do whatever it was he did when we stopped there. I got to the end pages, and then the back jacket. I was reading that, kinda like the liner notes on a record, but for a book. I’m reading it to the end, learning about the author when all the sudden a pike of money slides out. It just kept coming out. Bill after bill.. I could feel it was old. My hands felt kind of musty. I got scared. My ears were hot. I couldn’t think so good. I bundled the wad of cash up, tucked it into my Official Cat I Found This Humerus Shirt hoodie, sweater. Here comes the boss. Back on the job I’m sweating it. What is this money? Who’s is it? Is this some kind of test? Is it God? It is X Mass time… I went inside the outhouse and counted out $1137.00. I never told anyone about it outside of my family for years. I was afraid soneone would claim it. I’d be branded a bad guy. It sure made a poor ass families Christmas that year though.
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My dog Butch is an example. He was a birthday gift when I was 10. Xmas he was stolen from our yard and I was upset. It was a very poor Xmas for us. Little money and no gifts. I was coming back from a trip to the store and suddenly I am hit in the back. There is my little Butch. He was filthy with coal dust and had a length of Official Cat I Found This Humerus Shirt hoodie, sweater twine around his neck. He jumped all over me excitedly and made small whining sounds of happiness. We guessed he had been taken and kept in a basement and had managed to escape. Only 6 months old and he found his way back home….back to ME. Best Xmas ever! Recalling that also brought thoughts of other good things from that time. My mother, brothers, friends from school, my first bike, and so on.
I have been jealous of girls who I thought were prettier, had more money, had bigger breasts. But I got over it. Years ago. Like…who fucking cares??? I was mad and jealous that I wasn’t white when I was 15. That I had to live in a rough neighborhood with roughnecks. I got over it. They are jealous because they want what they can’t have and don’t ever realize they are enough. They project they are gods but inside they are weak, miserable people who feel worthless. And that hurts. It’s an inescapable drip of torture serum into their brains. they project their insecurity onto others. I believe they CAN choose between “good and/or bad” behavior- as we all do. I don’t think anyone’s childhood was perfect. It’s not meant to be. We, as souls, came here to learn and grow. In the dark, we dig up to the Official Cat I Found This Humerus Shirt hoodie, sweater.But from observing my father, my sister, and my ex spouse they are stuck. Stuck in fear, jealousy and anger at inner demons they can’t escape from. Living in fear and insecurity everyday from some brain washing/ abuse they received as a child. I believe they are aware of it or else it wouldn’t bother them so much. Perhaps that’s when one becomes a psychopath. When you just don’t give a shit at all. Total numbness.